I hate Bangkok.  Well, that’s not quite fair.  That’s an overly broad statement and I’ve really not even spent time in Bangkok.  To be more accurate, I hate navigating through Bangkok on the public transportation system.  The train stations do not “intersect” with the bus stations.  Nor do the skytrain or subway stations.  None of them cover the whole city, yet they don’t connect with each other.  

Twice now in cavorting around the country, I’ve been forced to go through Bangkok to connect to my ultimate destination.  In general, traveling by bus in Thailand is easy, safe, relatively quick (except for that Chiang Mai to Bangkok stint which I will avoid like the plague in the future), pleasant and cheap.  A tour hour trip on an airconditioned bus costs less than $2.  Even the ten hour bus trip from hell (which was only hellish because of the length and the overnight aspect) cost only $20.  When you pull into a station, if you’re connecting to another place, you simply look for the sign of your destination, walk up to that line and buy a ticket. Easy as pie.  Except when you hit Bangkok.

Worse than the heat which smacks you in the face as you emerge from your connecting bus are taxi and tuk tuk drivers who assault you with the ubiquitous seemingly helpful question “Where you go now?”  The first time, I assumed they WERE trying to help me and TOLD them where I wanted to go.  In that situation, Bangkok was only a connecting point for me with my destination at least two hours away.  Without batting an eye, they tried to convince me to take a taxi all the way there.  “What? Are you kidding? Do you think I’m made of money?” I would think each time.  Then quickly answered myself “Oh yes, you actually DO.”

Bangkok has three bus terminals, each serving different parts of the country. It’s not uncommon (in fact, it seems to occur frequently) for the “leg 1” bus to arrive in one station while the connecting bus leaves from another station.  The stations are not close to each other (certainly not walking distance) and they’re not linked by subway, train or  skytrain.  Even if you’re lucky enough that your connecting bus departs from the station at which you were actually deposited, the obvious lines to buy tickets that are ever-present in other smaller stations don’t stand out in Bangkok … BECAUSE THEY’RE NOT THERE!  Neither is an information stand so an unwitting, ignorant traveler like myself is left at the mercy of the piranha taxi and tuk tuk drivers.  

In order to survive the Bangkok transit system … well, I should limit this comment to just the bus system since I haven’t actually tried to negotiate the others yet … I can’t get to them!  In order to survive the Bangkok bus system, you have to be tough AND know what you’re doing.  I can visualize myself breezing by the taxi drivers, ignoring all their “Where you go now?” questions that are merely bait.  But to do this, I have to know where to breeze to … and in that department, I’m at a loss.  

My Lonely Planet guidebook is no help.  They’ve written a mere paragraph basically advising you that there are three bus stations, but don’t provide essential helpful tips which I learned on my own … painfully.  The Bangkok transportation system and how to navigate between the various branches requires more than a paragraph!  I’ve written a whole page on it already … and I’ve only bitched about it (which needs to be done), but you still don’t know how to navigate it!

So, due to my lack of experience and my crappy guidebook, I alighted from my Ayuthaya bus at Bangkok’s Northern bus terminal, Mochit, with little clue what my next step was.  In another section of my guidebook that could also use a bit more roughing out, the writers indicated that I could buy a ticket at Mochit to go to Damnoen Saduak, home of the famous floating markets and my next destination.  I knew for certain that these tickets were sold at the Southern bus terminal, but was hoping I could just depart from this station and save the hassle and unwanted education of transferring between stations.  I was looking first for the ticket booths and when I couldn’t find them, for an information booth.  Both proved elusive. 

The sharks saw that I didn’t have a clue and circled.  “Where you go lady?” they chorused together.  From my previous experience, I knew better than to tell them.  I asked what I thought was a safe question, “Where do they sell the bus tickets?”  “You want to take a taxi? I take you.” They each vied.  “No, I don’t want taxi. (I find when I travel that my English becomes as bad as the person’s I’m speaking with. I now drop articles on a regular basis). Where do they sell bus tickets?”  

“Depends where you go. Where you go lady?”  Damn. If it depended where I went, then I had to tell them … or drag my heavy bags around trying to figure it out on my own.  Note: although I’m still traveling with only carryon luggage, that luggage contains my heavy 17” laptop, photo gear and, quite regrettably, my tripod which I’ve used all of two times.  So my bags are compact, but they still rip my shoulders apart.  Shoulder ripping leads to bad decision making in my experience.

“I’m going to Damnoen Saduak,” I finally relented.  As expected, “I drive you there lady.  Only 2000 baht.” “I take you for 1500.”  Thanks for the discount, buddy. The bus ticket cost 85 baht.  “No, I don’t want you to drive me 250 km. Can you please just point me to where I buy a bus ticket?”  

“You have to go to South bus terminal. No Damnoen Saduak here.”  “But my guidebook says …” I trailed off pathetically.  If I could just figure out where to buy the tickets, I could see for myself whether this transfer was necessary.  But the ticket sales posts weren’t obvious to me; even the direction in which I should walk in order to look for them seemed hidden.  Ripping shoulders and persistant piranha were winning out.  

“Ok. How much to drive me to the Southern terminal?” I asked.  Still not convinced they couldn’t get a windfall out of this wide-eyed traveler, the guys kept lobbying for the long distance trip.  I was in no mood for this.  “South terminal or I’m going to find another taxi,” I threatened.  “Ok lady. I have meter taxi.  Should be about 150 baht by meter.”  In Bangkok, all taxis have meters.  The drivers prefer not to use them, however, usually overcharging by two to three times what the metered rate would be.  

“Fine. Metered taxi ok. Let’s go.” I surrendered.  I dragged my bags for about a block and arrived in front of the man’s tuk tuk. Now a tuk tuk is not the same as a taxi.  It has no meter and the drivers typically make unscheduled stops at “my friend’s jewelry shop for a fabulous one day sale.”  This tuk tuk driver now upped the charge to 300 baht to drive me to the South terminal. I was tired, my shoulders ached and I was pissed.  I hate being lied to.  I turned on my heel and walked away back in the direction from which I had come.  

Finally, I saw a chink in the armor of one of the drivers who apparently had witnessed it all.  “Lady, I’ll show you how you can buy a 40 baht ticket to the Southern bus terminal if you’ll give me 20 baht for showing you.”  Ok, maybe not a chink.  Maybe just a teensy weensy thought of a dent in the armor.  I probably didn’t sound as grateful as I felt.  I likely would have if he hadn’t insisted that I pay him for the knowledge … and would likely have given him more than 20 baht for his kindness.  But I suppose however you get it, knowledge is knowledge.  We struck a deal.  

He grabbed one of my bags (ah! now THAT was worth 200 baht!) and walked me to a spot ten feet from where I initially stood before the lying tuk tuk driver had lured me away.  There was a stand where a lady sold tickets for 35 baht.  Delivery to the Southern bus terminal was available via minivan.  (Note to Lonely Planet: this would have been REALLY HELPFUL TO KNOW!!!!)  

The pseudo-sympathetic man had taught me to fish.  Now I knew how to do it on my own for any future trips that required station transfers.  My energy surged again slightly.  I would now be able to glide past the oppressive taxi and tuk tuk drivers and sail effortlessly between stations.  Hmmm … but what would I do if I was actually ever “lucky” enough to  connect out of the station I arrived at?  Well, hopefully (and doubtfully) that will ever happen.  But if it does, maybe I can just pay someone 20 baht for that piece of knowledge as well.